Your Grace,
Please forgive this unsolicited missive. I am writing you with a most urgent question on the nature of titles and, more importantly, the documentation one might require to rightfully claim such a title. My reason for the enquiry is as follows: I have recently determined that I have received a knighthood. Having recieved such an honour, I believe I have a legal claim to the title ‘Sir’.
Now while it is true I have no evidence for having received this knighthood (nor do I recall ever being knighted) I believe I actually am a knight. Since beliefs cannot be disproved (so long as one accepts that belief as a matter of faith) then there is, in fact, no proof I am not a knight.
Yet, as one steeped in the art of science, I acknowledge that this argument may not stand in the face of objective scrutiny. Further, I recognize the need for any theory to be rigorously tested. Therefore I set before you a mathematical proof following the course laid out so elegantly by Euclid in that most esteemed little manual: Elements of Geometry.
First we begin with an axiom, the truth of which is indisputable in that I know it to be true:
- Axiom: I have no recollection of my life before New Babbage.
- Proposition 1: As I have no memory of a life before New Babbage, I therefore have no memory of not being knighted.
- Proposition 2: As I have no memory of not being knighted, it is therefore possible I was knighted.
- Proposition 3: We may thusly conclude there is a potential for two contradictory truths:
A) I was a knight and B) I was not a knight.
Here, Your Grace, we arrive at the crux of my argument. As the evidence clearly shows, I was as equally likely to have been a knight, as I was to have not been a knight in a previous life. Further, there is no basis upon which one might suppose I was not a knight. And if one were not to suppose I was not a knight then clearly I would be free to suppose I was a knight.
As you can see through this demonstration of mathematics and logic, while it may 'feel right' emotionally to believe I am a knight, it is more than just a subjective hunch. It most clearly and indisputably is scientifically mandated. Therefore I salute you as –
Sir Emerson Lighthouse, NBE
PS: Note that I am not indicating I plan to use the title, merely that I reserve the right to use the title should the fancy strike me, EL
Job Posting
Competition #00001
Position: Knight's Squire in the service of a knight of high distinction and unimpeachable honour
Duties: The successful candidate will be expected to perform standard squirely duties during parades, festivals and various civic functions; in addition, the successful candidate will be expected to take dictation on a daily basis as the employer has many great ideas that need to be recorded; finally, it is the responsibility of the successful candidate to correct grammatical and factual inconsistencies, without compromising the natural integrity of the employer's thought process.*
Further Qualifications and Limitations:
- Discretion is mandatory
- The consumption of alcohol between sunrise and noon will not be tolerated **
- The successful applicant must be willing to bathe at least once per week
- Hours are variable - but not flexible
- Compensation is nonnegotiable and will be based soley on the applicant's prior squiring experience ***
- Start date is yet to be determined
Fine print section:
* In addition to the above mentioned duties, on rare occasions, the successful candidate may be called upon to alleviate any negative repercussions resulting from possible moral indescretions (allegedly) committed by the employer.
**Unless for medicinal purposes, such as the treatment of insomnia, nervous anxiety, gout, etc.
***Experienced squires need not apply
No comments:
Post a Comment